The Trump administration terminated all 24 members of the National Science Foundation's governing board Friday evening via email, citing their persistent tendency to apply scientific methods to science-related decisions. The mass firing eliminates the entire National Science Board, which had been tasked with overseeing the foundation's $9 billion annual budget for scientific research across American universities and institutions.
"We appreciate their service, but frankly, we need people who can think outside the box of peer review and empirical evidence," said an unnamed official from the Bureau of Administrative Efficiency. "These individuals kept insisting on things like 'data analysis' and 'long-term studies' when what America needs is decisive action based on gut instincts and campaign promises."
The 24 dismissed board members, including Nobel laureates, university presidents, and researchers who had collectively published over 12,000 peer-reviewed papers, were reportedly caught red-handed engaging in activities such as reading research proposals, consulting with subject matter experts, and asking follow-up questions about methodology. Several sources confirmed that board members had been observed taking notes during presentations and requesting additional information before making funding decisions.
The National Science Foundation, established in 1950, has traditionally relied on scientists to evaluate scientific merit—a practice the Bureau of Streamlined Operations now considers "circular logic." Under the new framework, science funding decisions will be made by a rotating panel of political appointees, business consultants, and individuals selected through an online survey process that prioritizes "common sense over academic credentials."
Board members learned of their termination through identical emails sent at 6:47 PM on Friday, thanking them for their "dedication to advancing human knowledge" while noting that such dedication had become "inconsistent with current operational priorities." The emails included a link to return any government-issued staplers or three-ring binders within 30 days.
The mass firing represents the largest single-day elimination of scientific oversight in federal history, surpassing the previous record of seven climate researchers removed from an EPA advisory panel in 2017. The National Science Foundation's $9 billion budget will continue to operate under temporary emergency protocols, with funding decisions to be made through a streamlined process involving coin flips and Magic 8-Ball consultations.
Former board chair Dr. Ellen Ochoa, a veteran astronaut and engineer, declined to comment beyond noting that she was "returning to her day job of having been to space four times." The administration has announced plans to interview replacement candidates next week, with preference given to applicants who demonstrate "bold leadership qualities" and "have never published anything in a journal that requires footnotes."
As of press time, the National Science Foundation's website had been updated to reflect its new mission statement: "Advancing American innovation through decisive funding choices that prioritize results over process." The previous mission statement, which mentioned supporting "fundamental research" and "evidence-based decision making," has been archived in a folder labeled "outdated approaches."